Hostage situation in Parliament continues

When the going gets boring the bored turn to satire*.

The hostage situation in parliament entered into its second week today after an elderly man entered Parliament and took the nation hostage on the Sunday immediately following the election.

Two weeks ago, on September 24^th, a man armed with a 7.5% vote share, identified as Winston Raymond Peters, of no fixed political abode, invaded the Parliamentary complex in Wellington and took hostages claiming political relevance and wanting his old job back.

Peters is believed to have been responsible for the death of at least two political parties so far while a third remains in critical condition at the political ward of Wellington Hospital.

Both of Peters victims appeared to have died instantly after polling closed while the third, a resident of Aro Valley in Wellington, was wounded by fire from Peters but managed to escape to safety, however their condition remains critical at this time.

So far Peters has issued no formal demands and it remains unclear what may have triggered such behaviour with Peters only communication being a series of vague and unclear statements shouted from the windows of the Beeehive at anyone who will listen.

Several hostage negotiating teams have been sent in to try and defuse the situation but were unsuccessful after Peters claimed to be waiting for “The Specials”. At this point it’s remains unclear what connection the 1970s Ska band from the UK has to Peters but Parliamentary Services manager Barry Smallgrope said they were not ruling out an ideological link.

Meanwhile the Special Task Force Unit (STFU) based at Police Headquarters in Wellington has compiled a profile of Peters describing him as a “lone wolf, probably driven by a messiah complex and delusions of grandeur”. The Police have also stated that they believe Peters to be acting alone at this time but that he may have had help in planning and preparing for his actions; an investigation has been launched.

Police spokesperson Basil Weasleface also noted that Peters appeared to be under the influence of an illegal substance, known by its street name of NozTalJa, which creates a feeling of “the past being so much better than it actually was while blinding the user to any sense of the future”. Police have noted the effects of this substance to be 50 times stronger than P or synthetic cannabis and with an almost 100% addiction rate.

Additionally Police have warned about the danger of a 7.5% vote share noting that while it is of a smaller caliber than some of the vote shares available to the public, such a weapon can still cause damage or even the loss of life and advise no members of the public to approach the Parliamentary complex.

Currently the standoff situation ensues with Peters and the hostages remaining inside Parliament while members of STFU wait outside, maintaining a cordon around Parliament with only negotiators, the press and members of Parliamentary Services Special Catering Unit (PSSCU) being allowed onto the grounds: The black berets and aprons of this elite unit being familiar to the public after an incident involving Gerry Brownlee at Bellamy’s a few years back.

Commentators have blamed the lack of political security at Parliament as being responsible for allowing an individual such as Peters to gain access to Parliament without having to pass though security checks with Council for Reforms Under Democracy (CRUD) spokesperson Bruce Snodgrass taking to social media to say that “Peters was a known threat yet he simply walked on in without any checks and started blasting away at anyone who got in his way.”

In such a charged atmosphere the internet is abuzz with various conspiracy theories about Peters and his motivations. The most popular stating that Winston Peters is actually a pseudonym and that the individual who has taken over Parliament is the son of Joe Bloggs; an individual who was politically active in New Zealand during the 1970s and early 80s before dying in mysterious circumstances in 1984.

Elsewhere in Wellington a memorial was held for the two victims of Peters with members of the Miramar Children’s Ragtime Choir singing a rendition of …And Justice For All by Metallica, to the small crowd of mourners while a mysterious figure cloaked in a black hooded robe and mask, known only as “The Leader” capered around in a macabre dance which some onlookers interpreted as having “evil intent”.

With no end to the hostage situation in sight and authorities refusing to comment if any special measures will be taken the country remains in stasis, however a special commission is being set up to investigate the circumstances that lead to these tragic events with retired high court judge Boris Fudgezonkalis to chair.

*-I am working to finish my post about Tunisia but got sidetracked this weekend.