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Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Introducing FukYoo Politix

Yes that's right folks, a profanity laden title (well sort of), what about our much vaunted editorial policy now?

To be honest if I could think of a better name I would but at this point nothing I can think of sums up the mood better than that of a  big stiff middle finger being raised at the status quo in angry defiance by voters and their elected representatives.

And if your wondering what exactly I am going on about take a look around at all the "strange", "bizarre" and "unpredictable" outcomes occurring in politics around the world today. Seeing a pattern yet?

No, well let me be a bit more specific and name names.

Trump, Brexit, Corbyn, Morgan, Greece, South Korea, Australia, Trudeau, Austria, France, Arab Spring, Thailand, The Philippines etc etc etc etc.

All around the world the safe comfortable middle ground is being taken over by angry squatters from the Left and Right side of the political spectrum. Safe, clean and neat, whichever way the wind blows, consensus politics is on its way out and we suddenly have resurgent political opinions which are not based around some neo-liberal party position which is all about enacting the political version of PC ethnic cleansing  by stigmatizing people and parties with actual political manifestos.

Now is the time to choose a side, a nice definite side, not one of these namby pamby sides which is just a bunch of mush minded policy positions devoid of any actual genuine political position.

For the last 40 years populism has been a dirty word but not any longer, if you want to get out and get on the political bandwagon of your choice and ride one of those sweet sweet waves into electoral upset now is the perfect time to do so.

If whats left of the worlds largest democracy can drive home a turgid, throbbing shock outcome (well shocking to some) then anywhere can. Nowhere is safe and all bets are off, including little ol NZ.

Oh yes brothers and sisters (warning I am now in full rant mode) you to can get a slice of this delicious political pie at the nearest voting booth the next time an election comes round. No more dull generic Brand X politics for you, now is the time to change up to FukYoo Politix, the preferred political position chosen by angry electors everywhere.

It doesn't matter if you are left or right, fascist or anarchist, green or rabid free-marketer there is a party awaiting your vote and an incompetent elite to be swept from office. With FukYoo Politix you can deliver a shock political outcome all the time, every time, clear out the deadwood and energize the populace with the democratic equivalent of a peoples uprising (without all those people having to be put up against the wall and shot).

Oh yes, don't be shy about it, you might not be liking Trump or Corbyn, Durante or Trudeau but this is the closest you will get to a revolution without actually having one and possibly the best chance to achieve the political outcomes you desire.

Don't sit their waiting for the same old parties and the same old faces, mumbling the same dead messages over and over to genuinely represent you in government. Change up to a political firebrand with a message of hope and change (yes that hope and change!) you can trust (at least until they become the next established elite) who will upset the apple cart and the status quo at the same time.

Lets face it boys and girls, the resentment has been simmering away in you for some time now it just that you thought the game was so rigged that there was no reason to play. You wanted to do something about it but being a part of the same old political parties and their dead messages of brain dead political activism was about as appealing as a lead salad and had left you mired in a swamp of apathy and impotence.

With FukYoo Politix you will no longer get a flaccid electoral outcome or have to put up with feculent politicians smarming around in office doing what they want. With our patented formula you will vote, longer, stronger and harder all the time, every time. No more being the political wallflower at the big dance, now you will have the confidence to go up to the party of your choice and ask them to dance (and they will say yes!).

Now there is a reason to play the game and Win! Drain the swamp (yes that swamp!)You, yes you can be part of something bigger and feel like you're not just some dull drone in the hive or a cog in the machine but instead a living breathing actor on the stage of history with a full speaking part and a spiffy pair of tights.

Does it really matter that they aren't selling the same old comfortable message you are used to? Does it really matter that some of the things they are saying sound a bit scary and not like the same old same old which the same old same olds have been saying?

Hell no! Who cares if the populist demigod you elect into office turns out to be a power hungry demagogue you were not going to get the outcome you desired under the old system, better to burn it to the ground and make a fresh start and get at least get a 50/50 odds on an improvement in life rather than the 100% bummer that all those stuffed shirts in Parliament were planning for you.

For many of you this is as close as you will ever get to experiencing what its like to be caught up in something genuine and real. No more three minutes every three years for you, now its all day every day, 24/7 politics, politics with a Bang, Zap and Boom!

But don't believe us, then check out these scintillating testimonials from some of our many satisfied customers.

If I cant dance, its not my revolution - Emma Goldman

I used to feel so impotent at student demos but now I am ready to storm the registry and set up a genuine student government - Who ate all the pies?

Give me liberty or give me death! - Patrick Henry

The revolution is not an apple that falls when its ripe. You have to make it fall - Ernesto del Serna Guevara

It followed me home, can I keep it? - Anon

Sometimes you have to pick the gun up to put the gun down - Malcolm Little

Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof - V

I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical - T Jefferson

Picket lines and picket signs, Don't punish me with brutality, C'mon talk to me, So you can see, What's going on - M Gaye

Yes, that's testimonial for you from just a few of those who have stuck it to the man and now you can too with our handy no frills product.

No longer do you have to believe their lies (and they have lied to you), no more buying into some lame ass excuse for their bad behavior, now you can do something about it, send those grubby little catamites a message that your going to be possessing your house soon and they are going to be given their marching orders.

Wont it be fun to see them queuing for the dole or on a work for your benefit scheme or maybe, just maybe, being stripped of all their ill gotten gains and made to pay for their selling you down the river. Wont that be satisfying to see them being run out of office, attending their own show trial or being chased by an angry mob through the streets.

Yes FukYoo politics is both cheap and easy to use, no instructions needed and although there will be some mess (cant have a revolution without breaking a  few eggs) but that's all part of the fun, all you need is a corrupt political elite and a angry electorate just looking for a way to stick it to them, and now you can.

So don't delay, don't gamble a stamp, don't send any money (its COD), just get out there and vote for that agitator candidate, the one who is not part of the establishment and who is saying all those crazy things your mother warned you not to vote for.

Your mother would not approve (or would she?) but once they sweep into office you will soon be the beneficiary of the largest political change since the last time people got pissed with those they elected to represent them started acting like they were born to rule.

And that's all there is to it, at the very least its cathartic but at its best you can reaffirm some democratic principles and give the system a much needed injection of fresh blood rather than spill it all over the streets.

And don't settle for some cheap imitation brand of political change, don't gamble your political health on some cut rate product which could leave you with a nasty rash or even worse (like a corporate police state or John Key as PM for life) go for the tried and tested formula which has proven itself again and again.

So the ball is in your court amigo, you can sit back and watch things happen and wonder what it might have been like when you are old or worse have to deal with awkward questions like "what did you do in the revolution mummy?".

Good luck, you know what to do.

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